Betty ford says i'm here all night
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
