he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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