Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
