The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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