I can text with my tongue
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize