I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
