I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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