lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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