Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
