you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You're breaking my sexual little heart
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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