sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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