I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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