So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
