Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
