Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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