i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He literally asked permission to hit on me
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
