also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
