sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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