I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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