apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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