I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
