he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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