There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
