I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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