Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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