I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
