i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
