I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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