i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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