I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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