I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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