My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
