We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
