I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
