I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
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