It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
