It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I think a kid would responsible me up
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
