Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
