and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
