So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
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