and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
We left an ass print on the piano.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
