So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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