I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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