Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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