You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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