I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
