Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
