went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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