to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
