My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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