I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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