So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
