I think my fart just growled at me.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
