phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
