Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Sext me about skeletons
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize