I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
